Charity
I never wanted to be a mom. I have never even really cared about kids. Children were never part of my plan until I met my husband Joey. He is a child magnet and a big kid himself. He works with develeopmentally challenged children and is a caregiver by nature. Once all of our friends started having children we made the decision to start trying ourselves.
We both went for our preconception appointments and were given the all clear to TTC. We did a 3 month detox and I read every pregnancy book I could get my hands on. We were ready for the next chapter in our lives. I was already 33 at this point and Joey was 36 so we figured it would take us a full year to conceive. We started trying in December of 2012. Boy were we wrong about our timelines. At the 6-month point I contacted my family doctor for an infertility referral because I had a feeling something was wrong. Because of our socialist healthcare system in CANADA we waited another 6 months to see our first of many specialists. No one could find anything wrong and we were recommended to start the IUI process.
While we were waiting for my next AF we got the surprise of our lives with a BFP! We were through the roof and couldn’t wait to share our news with our families as this was to be the first grandchild for both sets of our parents. Our due date was Christmas Eve and our wedding anniversary is Dec. 21st so December was shaping up to be super exciting. Everyone was ecstatic. Our joy was short lived. I started to bleed exactly one week from sharing our news at the 6 week mark. Our doctors chalked it up to a “Spontaneous Abortion” and said we could start trying again right away.
We were determined to get pregnant right away so jumped right into an IUI cycle with Clomid. It failed and gave me cysts so we were forced to take a few months off. IUI number 2 with Letrozole was also a big fat fail. It was around this time that it was discovered that my AMH was low for my age and could potentially be a contributing factor to our infertility. We were advised to do IVF. IUI was already more than we set out to do. We stopped infertility treatments and did nothing but the good old fashioned TTC for most of 2015.
In early 2016, we made the decision to find another doctor and see if we could attempt a few more IUI’s before we gave up. While waiting to begin treatment on April 3/2016 we were once again shocked with a surprise BFP. I knew something was wrong right away and demanded that I have Betas drawn. After 2 fairly high numbers (that didn’t quite double) I was told to take it easy and enjoy being pregnant. I felt dizzy off and on and had mild right side cramping. I made it to my 6 week appointment and was told everything was okay. They were wrong. I started to bleed over the weekend but it was different than last time. We had to wait out the weekend in order to see our family doctor. She ordered an emergency ultrasound and our bad news was about to get worse. The pregnancy was ectopic in my right tube. We were referred to the ER and told the on-call Gyno would be waiting for us when we arrived. They lied.
We spent the next 12 hours sitting in our local ER waiting to be seen. Every now and then I was called to the triage to check my BP and make sure I wasn’t going septic. This was not how I planned spending my early pregnancy. There was no time to grieve or feel what we needed to feel. That day April 19/2016 will haunt me forever. By the time we saw the OB/GYN on-call (not the original doctor we were supposed to see) it was almost midnight and we had been at the hospital for over 12 hours. I was starving and thirsty as I was not allowed anything in case surgery was needed. We ended up choosing methotrexate over surgery in hopes to avoid surgery. This ended up not being the best decision as I ended up needing the surgery as well as the lump (my baby) in my tube never dissolved. My badly damaged hyrdosalpinxed tube was removed in early June of 2016 in order to proceed with IUI treatment.
There is no happy ending to my story. Here we are 2 years past that day and have yet to conceive again. We ended up quitting fertility treatments a 2nd time as my side with the tube only managed to have a lead follicle 1 out of 10 attempts. Pumping myself with injections and drugs that made me feel awful with hopes that I would ovulate on my left side was no way to live. We quit all treatment as of April 2017 and have attempted to move on from life after infertility and early pregnancy loss. Our story does not end with a rainbow baby.
I am trying to come to terms with my childlessness and figure out what my Plan B is going to be. Every pregnancy announcement is still a kick to my heart. Most recently my husband’s sister announced her pregnancy two weeks ago. I haven’t been able to breathe right since. She will be bringing the first grandchild in to the family. My heart breaks and I don’t know how to be happy for her.
I hate being 1 in 5 and I hate that I am also 1 in 80. I hate that I am part of the stats the unlucky ones. I turn 39 this year and have spent the better part of my 30’s trying to achieve an unachievable dream.
Writing out my story is a small step in my healing. The more people I tell the smaller the burden feels.