Article 7

My journey began when my first son was born blue, and somehow survived after a long labor and heart fluctuations, in June 2007. October, 2008, we found out after a trip to the ER that I was pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. I had been on birth control pills, and I had no idea what ”ectopic” meant, but we were told to “wait it out” or I could take a shot that would speed up the process. A few days later, I had the shot. It was a hard thing.. but I imagined these things happened, and I blamed myself a lot.

In June of 2009, we found out we were expecting again, and my then boyfriend (now my husband) was deployed. At the first U/S, around 8 weeks, things looked normal. When I went in at 10 weeks (because I was on depot at the time.. since birth control didn’t work… they were concerned things might show up later on that we couldn’t see early on). We had already been talking about having an abortion… with him deployed, we already had a child, and he had already had a child with his ex-wife and the situation there was sketchy… and that ultrasound immediately relieved… and made me regret ever thinking that way. Our baby had severe defects… the nurse wouldn’t let me see the screen, but she played the heartbeat. 102… then it dropped into the 80s… back up to 102… down to the 60′s… back up… 80′s… She simply said, “I don’t see the fetus living another week. You can abort it now, or you can let nature take its course.” Being a single mom, working full time.. we decided it was best to help things move along.

*Please know as you read this, this is one of the most life changing moments for me… we never took birth control after this, and we never felt like a child would be too much since then… It was a life lesson I had to learn.

The following year, we had a chemical pregnancy. I didn’t even know we were pregnant until I bled for about ten days, and found out we were miscarrying. I didn’t even know that was possible… but… you don’t really hear of these things until they happen.

We decided after we became engaged, we wanted… needed.. to have more children. To keep trying. We moved up our wedding date, so that we could begin trying and I wouldn’t be too far along if we conceived right away. We got married when I was 11 weeks pregnant with our son, who was born August 2011.

Four and a half months after he was born, (Jan 2012)  breastfeeding wasn’t going so great. I had heard rumors of women becoming pregnant while breastfeeding, and babies refusing to eat. Sure enough… the test was positive. My lactation consultant told me with my past history to immediately stop breastfeeding… and we did. It was in vain, as a week later I bled… and knew.. we were losing this baby as well. We were only 7 weeks along, and our fourth angel left us.

We tried again immediately, and in June found out we were again, expecting. We immediately went in, had numbers drawn, and an U/s. No HB, but we were early. A week later, in July… I started spotting. Not a lot.. but because of what happened I went in to the ER. My numbers hadn’t doubled since the week prior. Again. “I don’t think the fetus has a chance.. I’m so sorry. Get an appointment on Monday with your OB.”

I was angry, confused… so many things. It didn’t seem real. Monday, my OB confirmed what the nurse had suggested… again. Ectopic pregnancy. The same tube as the first… left side. I was schedualed for an emergency surgery that night… where my OB found the remnants of the pregnancy from January. Three ectopics in the left side. He cleared both tubes, thankfully able to save my left.

It took a month, and we wanted to try again. We found out we were pregnant again in November 2012. We announced on Christmas… once we saw the heartbeat. Deep down… I knew this couldn’t be happening. January, we paid for a 3/D 4/D to find out at just 16 weeks if we were being blessed with another son, or our first daughter. SHE was perfect. We were elated! I had some severe neasuea in the beginning, but the pregnancy was fine. We built a perfect nursery, and she was set until two in clothes. Everything was perfect.

We went in on a Saturday to L&D and were immediately released (I was 37w4d). Again, we went in on Wednesday, having strong contractions.. but my cervix was posterior and not changing. Sent home. Friday morning, I called my husband. I knew this was it. My doula came, and we labored until I couldn’t get from one room to the other without a contraction hitting.

The car ride was miserable.. I wanted out… but of course there was no where to go. We hit a small detour around construction, and made our way there. In the parking lot a couple asked what was wrong, my husband said “she’s having a baby”. I remember the couple joking about how I’ll be alright. How wrong they were. I remember the only thought in my head was GET into and OUT of the elevator as quickly as possible… everything had to be timed perfectly. Once we hit L&D a contraction hit… and I’m pretty certain that moment made the nurses realize this was happening. I got into the room, gave a sample, and changed as fast as I could. I made my way over to the bed, they tried to find the baby on the monitor while I was standing there… silence.

I was reassured baby was probably in an odd position.. I got in the bed, and was checked. 5cm. I decided I needed an epidural, told my doula my code word…  and off a few nurses went while they again tried to find the heart beat.. A few moments later I felt the need to push. My doula convinced the nurse to check me again, and I was complete. 15 minutes I went from a 5 to a 10. I didn’t even have an IV In yet. I began pushing… and my water broke… this is when we knew. I remember hearing “it’s going to be okay”… and my OB replying… “I don’t think it is guys.” Blood and merconium were mixed in the water. A few pushes (QUICK pushes) and her head was out… and I had no strength. I knew I had to push her out.. but in that moment… there was so much happening. My OB was raising his tone.. and it was enough for me to refocus, bear down, and birth my sleeping daughters body the rest of the way into the world. I asked for pain meds.. because I was focusing too much on the pain. I needed to focus on her. The nurses, and another doctor were at the baby table trying to bring life back.. but I knew it wasn’t coming. The doctor came over and said some things.. but what I remember is “We’ve been working on her for eight minutes… if we get her back.. you don’t want that baby”. She was gone. I don’t want her back… I want to HOLD her. I asked if I could, and did.

We bathed her, clothed her, spent two hours with her, and gave her back to a nurse to take. We asked to leave as soon as possible, and thankful I hadn’t torn, or had any issues. I had a dose of stadahl after her birth.. but nothing that warranted me staying. We entered the hospital at 10:45, she was born 11:06am, and we left at 7pm that night. Leaving a hospital with a purple box… it just isn’t right.

Sophia Marilyn’s short life has changed ours in so many ways. There is never a day she and her siblings aren’t missed… but she put a face to the early losses we have endured… she solidified our faith, and gave us hope… and she inspired us to love and forgive.

Our journey has taken us to trying, again, for another blessing. A short pregnancy… or long… or the blessing of a take home baby… I don’t know what is in store for us. What I do know… is that I want our future children to exist., even for a moment. I am now beginning to build myself as a bereavement doula, and have a deep love for the community we are in. I hope that someday… those who have been silenced on loss can speak out, and we can see a generation where researching such losses takes precedence. One day, I hope no one knows this pain… yet I know that day will come the day I hold all of my children again.